When a child dies there is a chasm created in our being. They whom awakened so much of who we are have gone and what is left behind is a vast chasm.

This chasm feels like a vast nothingness – total emptiness. We are forced to acknowledge this chasm, there is no ignoring it. It is all consuming. We have choices – do we try to ‘shrink’ back to what and who we were before the child expanded our being in order to close the chasm? Do we fill the chasm with something distracting? Do we try and ignore the chasm and hope it ‘self’ fills? Or do we fall into the chasm blindly; landing on the bottom to stay there until we shrivel into nothingness? Helpless.

Or is there another choice?

For me when my child departed by suicide it challenged every single aspect of my being.

The chasm his departure formed in me felt like it could take all of me into it; swallow me up entirely so all that there was and all there would ever be again was nothingness and emptiness. It was literally terrifying.

There was only one choice for me; the most real way to honour myself, the parent I was and my Son; and that was for me to just Be…And to enter the chasm.

Ride the chasm.

That ride required every ounce of courage I could muster but there was no turning back – there was nothing to go back to – he was gone. There was only one way forward and that was via the chasm.

This writing is about my ride into and over and through the chasm my Son’s departure via suicide left behind.

During the ride I discovered it wasn’t a chasm of vast nothingness and total emptiness. As much as it was a demanding ride that encompassed feelings of deep sadness, pain, loneliness and pure despair it also gave rise to huge personal learning and understanding, deep connection to myself and my Son, many new experiences and adventures, much joy and dare I say it; Peace.

A peace, that if we could all find, I consider would change the way we live.

I’ve also become (even more) opinionated and in the third section I offer some of my understanding of why we have such an out-of-control suicide rate in our country (and the world).

What I have written is a very personal journey which uses many personal pronouns. It is my story and my Son’s story. It is my life after his departure and some of his ‘life’ and connection with me after his departure. There are some stories I have not told purely because I want them just to be mine. Everything I have written is how it was.

I have tried hard to use words that accurately describe the experiences, feelings and situations. My grasp on the English language is not huge and hopefully I have selected the right words. Those that choose to read this who have had Loved ones depart from suicide, will be the best judge as to whether or not I have been able to accurately describe the agony that suicide leaves behind.

I hope my story deters anyone considering it, from choosing suicide.

My desire is that those of you who are in pain from having a loved one depart via suicide can find some hope from my words; or something to hold onto that can help you move forward on your own ride. The second section is for you. I have written some of it in very short chapters – that is deliberate as I suspect your ability to concentrate is currently challenged. Hopefully I have not over abbreviated. My wish is that it may help you even in some small way, find peace of your own.

There is little support for those of us who travel this unwanted path. There are too many of us on it, it is almost a crowded path, although, as suicide is such a taboo subject we have been largely left to travel alone. It is a well-trodden path but it is not well lit by any means.

Ultimately I hope that I can inspire any reader that Peace is possible. If we can each find personal peace, just imagine how the world would be…

The world may just transform into a peaceful place.